News.
I just realized that I havent been blogging here. Hehe. Im sowee. Check out my xanga naman oh... please? www.xanga.com/jourdeegal Thanks! I'll be blogging there muna..
GROUNDED for a year??
San ka pa? My mom just told me that I am grounded once school starts. Parties, soirees, even KATIPS for crying out loud.. are things that I will not experience during my LAST year as a highschool student. My mom's exact words: You've had 3 years to make up for your grades.. kaya this year.. dont even bother asking permission from me. No partys whatsoever for you. No Mcdo.. no nothing. Wow.. knowing that makes me excited for fourth year... NOT. I'm guessing that the last party ill be attending will be the back to school thing im helping Den with. Great. I so want a to have a time machine! That way... i could go back and 'unscrew' the things i ended screwing up. Damn it.
That's not the only thing I'm bummed about. Turns out.. more conflicts are happening between me and some of the people in my family. My uncle's mad at me.. because someone told them that I have been smoking my lungs out. Wow.. Hurray. I cant wait for my uncle to have a 'conference' with me. I'm also excited to know who told him.. i wanna make sure this person has the right motives against me.. OR ELSE. Hahaha. First of all.. I am not smoking my lungs out. It's a complicated story.. BUT.. I repeat, I AM NOT SMOKING MY LUNGS OUT. Geesh... some people need to learn how to shut their mouths. Specially when what theyre gonna say isnt right, anyway. After enrolling myself for fourth year, i thought my problems are over. I seriously thought that i'll have a hiatus of some sort from all the shit that's been going on. Only to find out that the worst hasnt happened yet. LIFE, OH LIFE. Lately, I have been spacing out... I've been SO lost with everything. I cant seem to do things right and nobody's had a decent conversation with me for the past few days. I want all these to enndd... i cant go on anymorrreeeee.
On a lighter note.. I cant wait for review classes to start. I have to wake up early everyday starting next week. Things are gonna be pretty stressful, but hey.. its gonna get me out of the house. I have to wake up at 6 am.. head to the driving range for golf training, after that.. I go to my review class.. then after that.. i go back to the driving range. Yay. Haha. Its pretty tiring but i'll take this anytime over a day stuck inside the house. Besides, Golf's working pretty well lately and I've been enjoying training, unlike last year. Time to hit some balls! Hahaha.
I need to fix things. A lot of things.
Still the Niggas and Biatches
Just to let you know... I DID NOT WAKE UP FOR GOLF PRACTICE. Hahaha. Oh well. Anyway... about Den, Bianca, and I. Its funny cuz last night, we were laughing at the saddest things in the world. I just realized, that when you're out with friends that you really wanna be with, even problems are something to laugh about. Sex and the City DORK version ROCKS. Hahaha. Too bad Den left earlier than Bianca and I. She shouldve witnessed our Mcdo monologues. Hahaha.
Sex and the City DORK version; Episode 1; LETTING GO. Last night was spent laughing, fooling around, having fun... AND discussing things that only your beloved girlfriends could completely understand. Haha. LETTING GO... how exactly do you do this? Is it true that you can only let go once you have someone else as a replacement? According to the REAL Sex and the City... if you're with the guy for 4 years, it'll take you 2 years to get over. Expected time for letting go=[time spent lovin him][1/2]. But do things really work that way? Last night, I figured that love can be such a bad influence. Just like smoking, its so hard to quit. Just like drugs, hinahanap hanap mo. Just like drinking, even if the alcohol tastes bad, you'll still go for the shot. This is how it applies: It's over with him... but you just cant quit loving him. Its over and done... pero hinahanap hanap mo parin siya. Even if you know na wala ng chance, you're willing to go for it and take a last shot.
So how exactly do you do this? Please shed some light on us. Help the needy. Haha. But... i do think that dealing with this can be the same as to how you deal with smoking, drugs, and drinking. Slowly, you take it out of your system. The process is painful, cuz your body tends to look for these foreign entities. Your body got used to the intake of everything, that it longs for all those things you took in. BUT.. if you seriously want to quit, you've got to take all the pain, and fight that temptation of doing what you did before. After some time, youre bodys gonna get used to this 'new' lifestyle. Its a slow and painful process... but hey, life feels much better afterwards.
When Niggas and Biatches meet.
Who wants to help us research if PRAWNS can be used as an alternative for cigs? DEN, Bmatz, and I met up at Gweilos at Eastwood this evening. Den and I are planning this back to school gig and we're planning to get Gweilos as the venue. First we talk to some people at Gweilos, then off we go to Ipanema. Den ordered these shrimp shanghai whatevers and for some reason.. we wondered if there was something in shrimps that could possibly make you high. Hahaha. Go Den! We might just invent cigs that have shrimp extracts. We're gonna call them.. "SHRIMP YO". Haha. Our Tobacco line will be named "PRAWN YO". Hahaha. Gash.. even if we only spent like an hour and a half chillin, I had an awesome time. I wanna go out with these two girls again. We were like Sex and the City DORK version. Hahaha. But I got to say.. we all looked HOT. Not Paris Hilton hot, not Britney hot... simply DEN JOURD BIANCA kinda hot. Hahaha. Shux.. my head hurts. Haha. Maybe its from that conversation we had about love and shizz. All three of us share one thing in common. We are all trying to let go of guys we've loved for YEARS. I'm counting 3 years... Bianca's counting 5, and Den's counting 6. Damn... We have got to meet new people! Hahahaha. I'm sort of flippy [Den, Bea, its not the FLIPpy you're thinking of] right now.. and i cant seem to think properly. So imma continue writing tomorrow. I've got golf at 8 am.. so wish me luck. Haha. Hope I wake up, and I hope I could still swing tomorrow... I mean.. later. Umaga na pala. Haha.
Niggas and Biatches ROCK. Rarr. Haha. Ciao.
Tired.
When too much is going on, and when I simply do not know what to do anymore... I try to pretend that nothing's wrong. I talk to my friends as if im perfectly fine, I reject my parents' accusations of me being a failure instead of accepting it, I lie about my problems, and I don't seek help from anyone. I'm starting to get tired of doin all this... i'm also sick and tired of waking up each day trying to hide the fact that I am messed up. In the past, I have found the courage to face my problems head on, but I took it for granted. I regret doing that because now that all my problems have piled up, there's no courage left in my system anymore. All that's left of me is a box of shame and a pile of regrets. I'm trying to fix the mess I made, but some people around me arent helping at all. The support I need just isnt there. I feel as if they just want to pull me down even more. Yes, i know i've done many wrong things, and yes i know i'm stupid, but can't you see that you're just making things harder? You're screaming out that I fix my life, and you're ruining me while at it. Sometimes, I wish that I could break free from all this. I want to leave all of these people behind, and come back when all the shit in my life are over and done with. That way, all they'll see is the "mess-proof" life of mine. That's what they want in the first place. It's hard to be with people who don't know how it feels when you're doing your best to fix things up but they just dont see it. Instead they discourage you some more and ruin you're attempt to mend all over again. I'm on the verge of quitting, but I just dont want to. Even if I quit, they wont understand. They'll just think I'm a failure even more. How I wish that I have my own time machine.. that way, I can go back where I messed up and change the way I dealt with things.
I'm sorry if I didnt turn out to be who you expected me to be. I'm sorry if I wasted your money, your time, and your dreams for me. All I ask is that we put the past behind us, and simply have faith in the future. Forgive for what I've done in the past, and BELIEVE that I can do better this time. You see, I feel as if I have this wound that wont ever heal. It's because I dont have the cure for it. You guys are just making it worse, you're not helping. I've been so scared to turn you down, that I got disoriented and got fucked up in the end.
I swear I want all this shit to end. Dont think that I'm liking this.. because for all you care... I hate every bit of it. ALL i'm asking is that you help me instead of bringing me down even more. Try to understand me, even if you think that all i'm saying is crap. Even the crappiest things hold meaning behind them. Only if you listen will you see that even crappy people like me have a point behind the crappy things we tell you.. ONLY IF YOU LISTEN.
